I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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