No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Small penises have feelings too.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
