Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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