oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
