I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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