I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
