I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
