what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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