i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
