I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
