I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
