I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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