I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
