I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
