u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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