I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Text me some of your sweat
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
