It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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