I just saw a hot homeless man
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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