They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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