I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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