u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I smell like Dick and happiness
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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