I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
