I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
