You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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