Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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