I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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