i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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