Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you will always have a special place in my vag
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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