her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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