the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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