Can Purell be used as lube?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You smell like stripper and shame
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
