Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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