Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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