He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
ttyl tear gas
Boobs speak an international language.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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