I just saw a hot homeless man
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
