i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
