Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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