I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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