filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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