I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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