Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
