Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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