The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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