you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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