i love accidental penises.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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