4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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