Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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