Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
