I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
