I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
