If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just want to make out with him forever
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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