my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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