im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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