I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
