Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
