I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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