Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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