...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
