If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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