not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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