Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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